Denying Self

The last time I wrote, I said we would explore what it means to deny ourselves.
I had no idea then how real that lesson would become—how much my life would change and force me to live it out in real time.

I’ve had a lot of titles in my life. I bet you have too.

Personally, I’ve been wife, daughter, stepmom, sister, aunt, cousin, and friend.
Academically, I’ve been a student, tutor, and self-proclaimed nerd. 🤓
Professionally, I’ve been known as coworker, colleague, leader, manager, and director.

You get the point—I’ve had plenty of titles.

But recently, I gained a new one.
One I never wanted, truth be told.

Widow.

I don’t like it.

Ms. Love just isn’t the same as Mrs. Love.

But it’s not really about the title.
It’s not like anyone’s going to walk around calling me Widow Joanie (although wasn’t there a Widow Jenkins in The Buttercream Gang? 🤔).

I digress.

The real reason I dislike the title is because of what it represents.
It represents the absence of my husband.
It represents the fact that I’m navigating this new “normal” where he isn’t on this earth with me anymore.
It represents living this life without him.

And I don’t want to have to live this life without him.

But I am.
And I must.

He had fulfilled the purpose and mission the Lord had given him here—and for some reason, I haven’t yet.

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In my grief, I’ve been thinking about all these titles. How every one of them is temporary—none everlasting.

There’s only one that truly matters.
Only one that is everlasting: the one God gives me.
The one He has set aside for me and only me.

In Revelation 2:17, the Bible says:

“Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.
To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna.
I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it.”

Clearly, I’m using “name” synonymously with “title.” Whether or not that’s theologically perfect, both are something we are known by—something that gives meaning to who we are.

For example, I recently looked up the meaning of my name. Joanie is of Hebrew origin and means “God is gracious.”

And wow—has He ever been gracious to me. Remember Katie Kaboom? I’ve needed a lot of grace, y’all!

Realizing the meaning behind my name stirred up a lot of emotion, especially because I almost changed my name when I turned 18. (That’s a story for another time.)

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As I’ve pondered titles and thought more deeply about that verse in Revelation, one thing has become clear: This new season of my life shouldn’t be defined by the title I’ve gained—widow.

Instead, I need to focus on the only title that truly matters: the one that comes from God.

The name He has hidden away for me will have deeper meaning than any other title I’ve held.
Why? Because I believe it will perfectly describe who He created me to be—who He called me to be.

And isn’t that the real journey for all of us?
To become who He’s called us to be?

Yet how often do we focus on the wrong things?

I know I have.

I’ve spent the past forty years trying to become who others wanted me to be—and who I wanted me to be.
Let’s be honest, we all have that “ideal version” of ourselves we’re chasing.
But that version often doesn’t align with the one God designed.

So we strive after titles that never truly satisfy.
We yearn for acceptance and approval here on earth—approval often won by being what someone else needs, or doing what someone else expects.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to love or serve others—far from it.
I’m just saying our existence can’t be defined by others or even ourselves if I’m being honest.
Because ultimately, we’re called to deny ourselves.

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It’s hard to deny yourself what you believe will satisfy you—especially in this “just make yourself happy” era we live in.

But that is what Jesus requires of us.

Matthew 16:24–26 says:

“Then said Jesus unto his disciples,
‘If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.
For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?’”

We must deny our wants, desires, and will—and seek His.

Do I want to be a widow?
Did I want the Lord to take my husband home to Heaven?
Do I want to navigate this earth without my soulmate?

No.
I don’t want any of it.

I’d rather have him here with me.
But that wasn’t God’s will.
And sometimes, God’s will hurts.

But I have to remind myself that He has a plan greater than anything I could ever fathom.
My role is to deny what I want—for what He has in store.

To deny myself, in this season, means to deny my desire for control over my life and how I think it should go, and to embrace my what God has provided – a new title I never wanted.
And move forward with intention—to fulfill the purpose He has set before me.

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Prayer

Father God,
You know how I feel before I ever utter a word.
You’ve seen my tears and felt the ache in my heart as I grieve my husband’s absence.
Yet even in the pain, You’ve given me perfect peace—peace in knowing that he is healthy, whole, and home.

If I’m being honest, he wouldn’t want this earth—or even me—back at this point.
He has Heaven and Jesus, and there are no greater gifts.

Thank You that I’m never truly alone, even when I feel the weight of aloneness.
You are always with me.

Help me to embrace this new title as I seek the one You will give me one day.
Help me to fulfill the purpose You have for me.

I love You, Lord.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

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Digging Deeper: Denying Ourselves in Daily Life

Denying yourself doesn’t always mean giving up something obvious—it often means surrendering something subtle: control, expectation, comfort, or identity. Below are some questions and scriptures to help you sit with the Lord and listen for His voice in your own season.

Reflect:

• What “titles” or identities have I held tightly to? Which ones feel hard to let go of?
• In what ways am I striving to become who I want to be, rather than who God is calling me to be?
• Is there something I’m not surrendering because I fear what will come next?
• How might denying myself in that area actually bring me closer to peace, purpose, and Jesus Himself?

Read & Meditate:

• Matthew 16:24–26 — What does it really mean for me to take up my cross today?
• Romans 12:1–2 — How does renewing my mind change the way I see myself and my purpose?
• Galatians 2:20 — What part of “self” do I need to let Christ live through?
• Philippians 3:7–9 — What worldly “gain” might I be holding onto that keeps me from knowing Him fully?

Pray:
Ask God to reveal where He’s inviting you to release control, to deny yourself—not as punishment, but as a path to deeper freedom in Him.